First Date Dilemmas, the generosity of spirit test!

Love, not only is it grand, it’s hard to find and even harder to navigate!

Should you discover your stellar self on the first date carousel with nary a strategy in mind, read on. You don’t just need your wits about you in order to separate the manly wheat from the boyish chaff, you need a solid plan to do so!

I call it the “Generosity of spirit Test”, and it goes like this-

FIRSTLY-

Generosity of spirit itself, what is it? In my view it’s the ability in a man ( or a lady if that’s your jam) to be gentle, understanding and abundant in giving of self to both you, ie the femme fatale, others AND very importantly to him/herself! Try the following tests when your next stepping out with a potential love interest and you’ll soon see what I mean.

GENEROSITY TEST #1-

You and your beau are catching up at a swanky bar for that oh so critical first encounter. Naturally you will not open your purse, if he’s mean with money on the first date (!!!) he will be mean with his emotions and his rationing of same towards you. Yes I am a feminist too but this is a test to see if he even has it IN HIM to provide and protect, even if you don’t require it OK? Just sit there like the composed lady that you are and when asked what you would like to drink , simply say “ a glass of bubbles please”. Of course if you don’t drink that order your favourite, but ……

Don’t tell him which bubbles, just wait. If he is a man of true style and generosity he will return with a glass of French champagne, yes non vintage counts!- but if he returns with a lacklustre gassy mess, he is simply not for you Sweetpea! Why?? A gentleman of the world should know his Pol Roger from his Roederer in the first place, but regardless of knowledge if he can’t shout you a decent champers / rose/ single malt etc on the first date, where will you be a few years down the track???

I gave this advice to a young former colleague who was ruminating about whether her gentleman caller was '“ the ONE”- I said I had used that same test on my now husband. Later that day we all ended up in an airport bar whereupon my fellow asks all assembled ladies if they wanted a drink ( some of them didn’t even realise he was going to buy it for them, so unused to chivalry were they, I whispered” put those purses away and don’t insult the man!”). My young colleague gave me a crafty glance and says to him, “ I’ll have bubbles please!”.

Naturally I ordered the same, I knew she was itching to test the result of my advice, which was two piccolos of French served to us with pomp and aplomb! ( My beloved also has a neat habit of getting to a bar before me on date night all these years later and pre-ordering my drink so that it turns up at the same precise moment that I do, what a gent! I have tried time and time again to get there before him and reciprocate but never have I managed it, he is a man amongst men).

GENEROSITY TEST #2-

When drawing out your intended prey with your utterly brilliant banter pay close attention to what he says about his family, his mother, his ex and most importantly himself! It might seem sweet, even charming if he puts himself down whilst showering you with praise , be careful! A man should be abundant in his emotional dealings with all his nearest AND himself and be gracefully attentive in interactions with strangers, particularly those who serve him. Only a bully puts down the waiter , no exceptions. As for self flagellation, case in point-

I had a partner who in the first six months of dating put himself down a lot saying things like “I don’t know why you like me, I’m nothing compared to you”. This man never thought he was good enough for me, yet enjoyed “ feeding “ off my charisma and confidence. I quote verbatim -”when I am at your side and you look like that I feel that I am really somebody, like I am rich or have a big ……”. I tried to take these words as a compliment but felt a great sense of dis-ease , the sad truth was he was so low in himself he needed me to look or act a certain way to make him look/feel better- red flags ladies! Some time later he became abusive to me and I left. The sad fact was that he grew to hate my “ magic” (and us girls all have it!) because he could not match it.

Ladies ,go for the self possessed man who is quietly confident, the gentle alpha gets my vote! If he hates himself he will soon hate you. You are not there to save him so do not exhaust yourself by trying to build him up and put away that( albeit fetching) Florence uniform!

Generosity test #3

This one is super simple. Should your heart (and other parts) be set alight at this mans ministrations, at around the fourth or fifth date when he asks you for your time-

say the tiny word

NO.

Do not give a reason, just say you are not available that afternoon ,evening etc.

Watch what happens!

A good man who understands boundaries will accept your refusal immediately. He may suggest an alternative which is fine, good sign he is keen! It’s then up to you to make the next move. If he starts grumbling, manipulating ie “ Don’t you want to see me?”, “but I have to see you”, wheedling or downright bullying you ie “ you must realise I am a busy man and my time is precious “ BLA BLA BLA-

RUN.

This person doesn’t see you or your time as equal to his and will constantly push your boundaries ( should you let him) whilst always getting his own needs met. This may seem like a small thing but it is a true marker of whether you are seen as an autonomous valuable human being or a conquest/object. Mark my words ,this is an uncomfortable truth big time.

Lastly-

As women and very verbal creatures we are hardwired to respond to words especially those that reinforce our romantic ideals. We all love compliments, declarations of love and grand gestures, all sublime for our ego- but not evidence of true love.Clever manipulative players know this, so by all means enjoy the flattery but do dig deeper!

I’ll put it like this,

LOVE- a noun

LOVE - also- a verb, To LOVE.

Take the first with a grain of salt, the second as gold. It is not credentials that make a man a great mate, it’s his deeds and generosity of spirit towards you that count.

I’ll leave you with a concrete example of this and a story that for me is irrefutable proof of my beloveds strength of spirit towards me.

Some years ago when I was still living with my ex in a separated and high stress existence I grew an abundant vegetable patch for sustenance of my soul. I had to leave the property for some weeks as the situation was intolerable and my ex did not water or care for the patch whatsoever for reasons I am sure you can glean. Upon my return almost everything in the garden had died.I burst into tears, the decay, dryness and desolation tangible evidence of the untenable situation I found myself in. My now husband consoled me. Spent, I lay down and fell asleep.

Some hours later, upon rising I couldn’t find my beloved, where was he? I searched the whole house to no avail. I then heard a faint digging sound and crept up on him, observing him unawares, toiling away in aforementioned vege patch. Digging in the dead plants, pruning the remaining surviving, watering and trying his heart out to resurrect a semblance of my dream. I do point out that he dislikes gardening.

And THAT, gorgeous people, is generosity of spirit!

Leave it with you,

seeya!

Les xx